Self-Worth In the Absence of Applause

I can’t see their faces, but I know they are there — the audience that is waiting for my pearls of wisdom. A talk that may or may not change how they see the world. I pretend to make deep, meaningful connection with the little I can see of their limbs and body parts. I focus on breathing deep into my diaphragm and projecting my outside voice. I look at an elbow and smile widely as if making eye contact. I remember to look up, to the Mezzanine and upper balconies, as I wouldn’t want them to feel less important than those sitting in the orchestra.

I have rehearsed by myself and for the organizers. I’ve proven that I can walk to the center of the stage and speak. They are now confident that I will deliver their money’s worth.

Unlike most people, I don’t dread speaking before an audience. I do dread the required cocktail party afterward. The banter and small talk required to be charming is simply not part of my wheelhouse or comfort zone. I read somewhere that fear of public speaking is the number one phobia in the world – beating out dying, heights and spiders. I think that the networking mixer at a conference — is right up there, with things to be afraid of.

I do not take my fearlessness for granted. I appreciate the gift and always offer up a prayer of thanks and grace when I step onto the stage. I’ve often wondered why I am so comfortable here. Was I stage performer in a previous life? Do I somehow feel in service to those in the audience as I share my perspective? Why is it easy for me to untangle facts, shine a light on issues, tell stories and ad-lib? I don’t remember learning how to do this. I just always remember always being able to do this.

The connection and banter between speaker and audience are hard to describe and a purely magical thing. When they laugh in the right places, hold their breath and choke up when I want them to, it means they will remember the lessons I have shared. The lessons from the front lines of my personal experiences — truths that will demystify the journey, shortcuts that will save time and effort and certainly questions worth pondering.

Maybe my feeling of urgency to share — is driven by a fear that my time is running out while I still have many stages to visit. Someday, I know I will cross an imaginary line and I will no longer be relevant. The audiences will stop filling the auditoriums, and will no longer want to hear what I have to say.

This stage, these talks, this relationship with the audience and finally, the applause — they combine in the alchemy of my being. Applause has been part of my minimum daily requirement for as long as I can remember. Applause has shaped who I have become. In my head, I know it can’t last forever. Yet my heart quietly wonders, where will my self-worth emerge from, in a world without applause? ~Laurie